Wednesday, September 25, 2013

A story to write

I sit here at my computer, hands poised above the keys. An assignment for Eng 514 is due in a couple of days. My hands just hover, my mind races, blood pumps strongly through my veins-pushed by my pounding heart. Fear is keeping me from my dream yet again.

The desire to write is deeply impeded in my psyche but the little voice telling me "You will never make it, you don't know what you're doing, no one will like your work" has me too afraid to write. I can put down the words when the assignment is research based. But this assignment is a 1,200 word fictional short story. The only specifications is that it revolves around Scene. The setting of the story is the main focus.

The best way to silence the little voice is to put on music that is soothing, Christian radio or Bach or Mozart, and just START WRITING THE DAMN STORY. Knowing what to do and actually doing it though are very different, aren't they? For my class we just read a novella by Henry James. In it the protagonist waited until too much time had passed by in order to realize how he should have lived his life. Did my teacher know I needed this message? Was it fate that I had to read it and see that I cannot let my dreams die?

There are two paths to take. One, never write a thing. Pick a different path and stop dreaming of writing great stories. Teach and do nothing else for the rest of my life. Because if I don't try I will not fail. I will not know if people hate my work because I never put it out there. Two, write and write and write. Do not give up. Write story after story and manuscript after manuscript. Enter writing contests, contact agents. NEVER GIVE UP. Then I will let go of fear of the unknown. Because either way, be my writing prove a success or failure, I will finally have the answer.

The most important questions to ask myself are these. Will path one or two give me the greatest satisfaction at the end of my life? Will I be able to say I followed my heart and made the most of my life?  Or will I say that I failed myself because I didn't try?

Well, I am tired of living in fear............please excuse me now. I have a story to write :)

Sunday, May 19, 2013

Fear and Doubt

The fingers of fear and doubt tickle your brain and tie knots in your guts. Do you fight through it or do you wallow in the pain and confusion they are creating?

As a child I was told "you can be anything you want to be". And I believed it. As an adult, however, I have been hit with a plethora of not quite so positive statements. "You're pathetic, lazy, selfish, not very bright. You waddle because of your weight gain, the pity party's getting old, everything is your fault. Your kids are not the sharpest knives in the drawer are they? Your feelings are not important." Since these statements seem to be coming at me at an increasing rate any residual confidence I once possessed, left over from that optimistic child I use to be, is diminished to the point of becoming nonexistant.

Fighting through the haze of self-doubt, self-depreciation, and a chemical imbalance strong enough to render me catatonic for weeks on end, can be a full-time (though nonpaying) job. Since I was first given the option to "be anything I want" I've set my sights on being a distinguished author. My desire has forever been to become an author who not only writes to unleash the words in my mind and my soul but one who may also touch the heart of my readers, making a positive impact on their lives. 30 years is a long time to have a calling that is longed for with an intensity bordering on obsession, only to hold back because the negative voice is drowning out the confidence needed to pursue the dream. The voice persistently tells me in no uncertain terms that I will never make it, no one wants to hear my words and I will never get paid for my hours of sweat, blood and tears.

So how will my writer's soul figure out the question that is begging for an answer. It is not simple but it simply must be done. Cut out the negativity from inside my head by focusing on the positives in my life each night before bed and setting attainable goals to accomplish the next day. Next, cut the negativity from outside sources and surround myself with loving, positive people who believe in my dream as much as I do. Finally, stop thinking and just write, write, write.

Sunday, May 5, 2013

Taking the Leap

Taking the Leap

I am currently in the enrollment process in the Master's Degree program for English and Creative Writing at Southern New Hampshire University. It is an 18 month, 36 unit, intense program. In addition I am raising three kids, all who still live at home and constantly want my attention, ask for money and request gourmet meals 3 times a day. For a paycheck I am a substitute teacher for K-12th grades. To feed my writer's soul I have a finished manuscript I am currently editing and two other ideas I am nurturing into future manuscripts.

From 2010-2012 I went to Brandman University and earned a Bachelor's Degree with a major in Liberal Studies and a minor in Psychology. From 2012-2013 I attended classes working on my teaching credentials. However, after much soul searching I realized that this was not the path I most desired. So I enrolled in SNHU and began working again on my writing. A masters will allow me to teach at the college level and improve my writing.

I strive for perfection in all that I do, which has caused me to fail a time or two. I am learning that life is not about perfection; it is about trying my best, being happy with what I have and following my dreams. There are days when fear and clinical depression try to drag me into bed with the covers over my head and the blinds shut tight. However, I am working hard to stay up and stay positive; for my husband, my kids, and myself.

This blog is where I will share my journey. Follow with me as I labor to keep my sanity in the moments that:
  • I have assignments in the two Masters courses I am enrolled in.
  • My three kids are behaving in a most demanding and difficult manner.
  • I have chapters of a book to write to completion and
  • I am called in to teach all ages of children.